I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We're too hungover to prance.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
