nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I am puke
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
