WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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