fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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