so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
