whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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