Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize