Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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