Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
