remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize