Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
