I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
