i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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