you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize