So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
