update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
