If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
dude. I can hear the air.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
