i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
