Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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