Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
