Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
