ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
