I'm laying in your front yard are you home
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
