im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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