my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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