Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
