i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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