He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
