I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
