Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I lost the right to judge tonight
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
