No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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