it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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