I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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