I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
