Yo dont text me then not text me
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
