The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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