my mouth tastes like poor choices
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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