allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
