u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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