If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
