Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize
