i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The air taste purple.
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