Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
