the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
