is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
