My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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