i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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