I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
