imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My bed smells like the plague
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
