to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Randomize
