You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
