I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
