How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
