Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
