Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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