I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
