just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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