so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
